What goes up, sometimes stays up until it stinks

He's no longer here.
Drat!
Our last conversation skimmed on the reality that he knows I like him, he doesn't mind, never did, but doesn't feel the same way, apparently. He didn't say it in so many words. Actually, he didn't say it at all. I read it through his body language, and because I know him so well already that he doesn't need to say something for me to know what he wanted to say, because there are things better left unsaid, and many things he would rather not say to my face.
We're friends. That's all we're ever gonna be. I'm happy with that. At least he didn't dump me, right? At least he spared me the humiliation of being told off. He just let me be.
I can't say it was entirely out of kindness, cause I think, deep down, he was considering me too. But we were just too different, and there was the issue of his heritage which I know I can never win over.
So, another one bites the dust.
Speaking of "Dust", I've been reading Philip Pullman's His Dark Material Trilogy and am astounded by its brilliance! Oh, if you haven't read it, READ IT. It's an experience. I've finished book one and am left hungry for more. Beginning book 2 and its already grown on me --- VERY DIFFICULT TO PUT IT DOWN. I bring it everywhere where there is a light bright enough to read without damaging my corneas. Oh, read it, I know you'll love it!
Going back to my mundane existence, well, I'm finishing Book 2 of my fanfiction and after that, I am leaving the fandom all together to begin writing original material. I think I've had enough experience to pursue my original stories. Hopefully, I'll get the same response.
My dog gave birth the other week to five black puppies. Two died on the spot, while the third died a couple of days ago. She's a sheepdog, and I don't know what kind her boyfriend(s) was(were), can't really tell until they get a bit bigger.
I want a cat --- I'm more into cats than dogs actually. When I was a kid I used to pick stray kittens on the road and raise them. The most I had at one time was 21 cats --- and I play with each and every one of them. I know them by name and personality. I know them and they knew me. Sadly, they don't really last long, they died one by one, until I was left with no cat at all. In exchange for cats, I was given a monster by the Power above. She's more than enough to compensate for my cats (and when I mean more than enough, I mean really more than I can handle!) and like them, she drives me crazy. I love her. She's my life.
My mom just got a new store, it's a vegetable store and one time I tried helping out. I'm crap with math and especially crap at remembring prices, and what's worse is I recently discover that my mind gets fuzzy under pressure -- market pressure.
One time I sold three pieces of Tofu squares which supposed to only be 9.00 bucks (being 3 bucks each) for 15.00. I only realized the overprice after the customer had gone and felt wretched all day long. Stupid...go figure!
Bender sent me sms today, telling me he misses me, calling me sweetie, and I was sighing and telling myself, IF ONLY HE WASN'T BENT.
What a life...if it's not one thing, it's another.

---
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF. AND IF YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE THE YOU, YOU LOVE, WELL, THAT'S JUST FABULOUS…" – Carrie Bradshaw

HELP WANTED

I'm having one of those days...you know the kind when you actually wish you were living another life only to regret ever thinking of it because you know, given the choice, you would live this life over again? That kind of a day is unbereable! I seem to have it more often now. Is it because of --- *gasp!* --- AGE?

Okay, so who gives a shit? Right? I am happy(???) with my life so far; not many people nowadays gets to live this kind of life. I eat so much food, I'm actually overweight. I have a job which is quite high-paying considering the status of this coutry's economy now. I am not drop-dead-gorgeous, but I'm not BUTT-UGLY either. In fact, there are those who, even with the excess flab all over my body, think I actually look attractive. They never make a move though. But they are vocal about it, which is a good sign. Not many get compliments nowadays, not unless you are like the obvious embodiment of sexy. I also have a very beautiful kid. I have the unconditional love of an entire family. There are literally hundreds of people just within our community who don't have ANY of these.

So why am I still unhappy?

Is it because there is another kind of life that I imagined having, which is the result of my overindulgence in the media? Maybe. Maybe that's what I really need to do. I need to purge myself of the media -- get rid of the INTERNET in my system, flush out the MOVIES, and vomit the TV that has taken up so much of my time and attention, it's actually eating my life to bits. Maybe, I have been living for so long inside this celluloid world called the INTERNET that I don't know how to live outside anymore. I've read about this somewhere; like there are literally thousands who go online each day, live another life, and go on until they become such a part of this world that the real world outside the browser is unreal.

I am living such a pathetic life that sometimes I get an orgasm out of nowhere. No kidding, without the need for ANY kind of manipulation. You think it's a blessing? No! It's embarassing! I have to control myself from actually making that moaning, groaning sound. And I don't have a sex issue. I actually don't have ANY sex life and proof of that is my menstrual period has gone haywire that my OB actually prescribed masturbation! I NEED TO OVULATE, or I won't have my monthly period. Abuse myself? That's the solution? I need to actually do this to myself...what's that song again? Make love out of NOTHING AT ALL?

Not unless there is really no other way. But there is always another way...there is always a plan B. And that is to shape up and find myself a decent MAN. I think it's about time that I start dating again. I mean really date. And men nowadays don't look at personality anymore. They are very superficial. THEN when they meet the girl and she looks good, when they actually start going out, that's the time they size them up for personality. So, even when I think it's LOW, and very degrading especially for someone like me who prizes herself as a thinking girl and not just another bimbo with large boobs, I have to do it. I have to be vain. I have to care about how I look, how I move, how I talk, and how I smell, because that's what men want. That's what men care about.

It's either that or the dildo.

I don't mind

Once upon a time it was for real.../...nothing matters then we were together.../... oh and I couldn't ask for more, a dream came true, you were nearest to my heart.../

I can't make you love me anymore.../... nothing matters now that you are gone.../ ...I tried so many times before, only now I understand we never felt the same.

But I don't mind, no I don't mind. A better combination will be hard to find. I've got to learn to live again, it's so new being free, start a life a different kind. No one else, from now on, JUST ME.

I know there's plenty room for work.../...I've got to plan my new life's resolution.../ ... first of all I'll show you how I can survive--- I never knew that I could love like this.

But I don't mind, no I don't mind. A better combination will be hard to find. I've got to learn to live again, it's so new being free, start a life a different kind. No one else, from now on, JUST ME.

But I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
No I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind
No I...I, I don't mind
I don't mind, I don't mind, I DON'T ---- MIND.

Well...He's gone

Yup! The Wood just confirmed my fears --- he's leaving for good --- and why not, when he was moved, against his will, to a place where Oxygen is scarce and you need to scrape the ceiling and floors for friends. I mean, no one understands him, and tolerates him more than I do I think. Maybe that was why we stayed friends in the first place. He was over-indulgent and I was tolerant.

Am I sad? Well, yes, I am. When he told me about the change, my heart broke because I knew what was coming next. This morning he confirmed it and although I'm still sad about it, I'm no longer that affected because I saw it coming from miles away. Am I going to move on? Where to? I haven't found anyone else. I mean there's bender, but he's bent all the way and though I still like to hang out with him, it's not the same as the Wood.

I feel like Cher, you know, in that movie Clueless? Where she falls for this guy Christian and he was this handsome, charming, adorable guy, who turns out to like other guys. He was not the average homosexual who cross dresses, wears make up and "glides". No, this guy dresses like a male model, has a face to drool over, and moves about like an average "bloke". But straights always know who bends, and Cher found out the hard way.

I don't have a back up plan like she does though. I don't have a "Josh" in my life. Ed was no Josh, he was more like the guy on the skateboard.

Anyway, so my life is sucky again. It's boring and routinary and I know I should be thankful because in other places in the world right now, there are people who can't have a square meal a day, while in other places they are just...dying. But I am just as dead anyway below the waist. I have cobwebs.

Very, very, very sad.

KINGDOM OF ORLANDO BLOOM!

Yeah, you've guessed it, I saw the film KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, and I was blown away! Orlando Bloom's best film -- EVER! I've seen many of his films after LOTR and though his acting has been constantly entertaining, it is only in this film that I was really convinced that he's not just another pretty face.

After browsing over reviews at rottentomato.com I was somewhat disinterested in seeing it in the big screen when it did the runs because the reviews were THAT bad - both for the film and acting alike.

When my good friend Ed, who is my supplier of OST's, gave me a copy of the KOH OST my interest for the film grew because the music was enchantingly beautiful. I have been addicted to it since I got it! I keep it in my MP3 player all the time, and whenever I listen to it I get transported to a far away land --- happens to me when I listen to Enya, Enigma, and other OST's with a Celtic taste. I love the Celts!

Anyway, going back to the film --- it has the same feel as many historical epic turned movie like Braveheart, Gladiator, Troy. I don't care what they say about the film but I think the balance between the two opposing sides --- Muslims and Christians --- the struggle for Jerusalem which was never theirs in the first place because it belongs and will always belong to the Jews --- was given out in perfect balance. No one stood out as the bad guy, no one stood out as the bad, it was war --- they were all wrong.

Another part of the film that I really love to bits was the battle scene at the very end --- when Balien had to defend Jerusalem against Saladin's men with very little armed forces, and still able to stand and protect the people in the city. Balien was right --- it wasn't really a fight for religion, it was a fight for wealth and domination. Reginald De Trivoli was not there for God -- he was there for himself, to fill his belly with the spoils of war. Many of those who claimed they were doing it for God were not even God-Fearing people. They considered themselves as gods or an extension of God, as his representatives on earth, sent to carry out his judgement against everyone that stood in their path.

Balien was right in saying that war was not for God --- God had forsaken Jerusalem a long time ago. The war was for money --- it was always about money.

There's another war going on in the land of Saladin. Another way that, according to some, is a war for Democracy but what it really is, and everybody knows this, is that it's a war for OIL! Another crusades is happening in the Middle-East. Will there be another Balien who would realize it for what it really is?

Hope he's as cute as Orlando Bloom!

Geez! Alexander the Gay!

Okay, I know this is soooo freaking late of me to post this because the film came out I think late last year or early this year. But I only got to see it last Saturday and, let me tell you, to say that I was shocked with what I saw would be a huge understatement.

Now, I am not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy the film because I enjoyed it tremendously. I love historical epics --- BRAVEHEART, TROY, KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, JOAN OF ARC --- anything that adds more light to our blurry past is going to be an instant favorite of mine. Especially when the film is done with lots of special effects, good dialogue, near-perfect casting, and beautiful cinematography --- THAT FILM IS WINNER, BABY!

Alexander was that kind of a movie -- THE CAST was almost perfect, the special effects and costume design very authentic, the dialogue well-written, and the scenery was breathtaking, every scene was marvelous to behold. Colin Ferrel has blown me away with his portrayal of the great conqueror, and though in some scenes he reminded me so much of Mel Gibson's William Wallace, still his passionate version of Alexander the Great not only made the near-mythical character more human, he made him lovable.

So what shocked me? Well, I have been emersing myself in so much literature lately because everybody knows I'm trying to write my own book. I am reading everything as long as its readable --- all kinds of genre, rating, by many kinds of authors, in many kinds of fandoms --- and I've stumbled upon "new ground" in my endless search for new work. Slash, it's called, and though it is a new kind of fiction, it's been going on longer than Shakespeare. Alexander was a SCREAMING PROOF of this.

I went to the official website of the film and here's what I got:

It was commonplace in this era for men to have male lovers although Alexander's mother Olympias was very jealous of his relationship with
Hephaestion. The envy of all the court officials made Hephaestion an isolated
man, dependent on and totally loyal to Alexander.

...Alexander was shocked and grieved bitterly for Hephaestion, the person who had been closest to his heart.

I was shocked to realize that Slash is historical. What I understand about Slash is that it's not Gay. Although it involves Male to Male relationship, it is not the gay aspect of the relationship that Slash fiction focuses on, rather it's the bond that is stronger than friendship, the lover-aspect of the relationship between two men, who express their love for each other physically. These are men who still need and sleep with women. Bisexual? Not really. Alexander was very much in love with Hephistion.

I got shocked because this was NOT the Alexander I learned from my History class. We were never introduced to this Alexander. He was very sensitive, charismatic, charming, and loving. I knew he was charming for he claimed nations not only by the sword, but by his charm. What I didn't expect was his deep relationship with Hephistion. It is the kind of love every woman longs for, and Alexander gave it to another man, who generously gives it back with the same intensity.

Makes you ask the question, is man allowed to love another man like such? Is it really taboo? Without the physical expression that classifies such relationships as gay, would such a relationship truly be considered true and normal even by Biblical standards? Such relationships exist even now--- no sex involved just pure, unadulterated, unconditional love between two people of the same sex.

PROZAC NIGHT

"If you wanna be somebody...if you wanna go somewhere...you better wake up and pay attention."

Remember those lines? Well, I got up today and decided to accept my fate and take prescription drugs for my depression. MY DEPRESSION, which is nothing suicidal, though there might have been a point where I tried drinking more penicilin than necessary, but that was a long time ago, and I didn't have any "baskets" back then.

I want to be a better basketcase this time around so, I am depressed but have no right to be so I have to clear my sinuses and blow --- really hard --- enough to clear my brain of stress, and my ears of wax.

Or so they said; nothing is coincidence anymore. Just last night I had a dream. No it's nothing like Martin Luther King's version where the black people and the white people and all that jazz come together and shag, no this is a different dream, one that I will forever remember. It's about my new beau --- let's call him, Bender, because he bends. Really.

Okay, in my dream he's not bent at all, he's straight, and he and I were dancing the swing. In comes the Wood, and he looks at us and frowns and grabs my arm painfully, twisted it and hit me in the forehead with a book. The book happens to be THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA BOOK ONE - THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. I wake up to the screaming madness that is my mother and realized it was eight o'clock, time to get up, and get ready to go out.

What does that mean? I have absolutely NO CLUE. But, one thing forced me to drink half a pill today and that was the fact that they were both there, square, and angry. I'm a loser even in my dreams! Sheesh!

I had to stay in the office an hour after shift in order to see the wood who I miss like crazy nowadays. It's really sad to always be reminded that he and I are not an item at all because we feel like it --- at least I feel like it. How he feels is complicated.

WELL, let the night wear away with my head far away, with my heart stowed away, to a land far, far away...make sense?