Fading Star...

What goes up, sometimes stays up until it stinks

2006-01-26T16:05:00.000+01:00

He's no longer here.
Drat!
Our last conversation skimmed on the reality that he knows I like him, he doesn't mind, never did, but doesn't feel the same way, apparently. He didn't say it in so many words. Actually, he didn't say it at all. I read it through his body language, and because I know him so well already that he doesn't need to say something for me to know what he wanted to say, because there are things better left unsaid, and many things he would rather not say to my face.
We're friends. That's all we're ever gonna be. I'm happy with that. At least he didn't dump me, right? At least he spared me the humiliation of being told off. He just let me be.
I can't say it was entirely out of kindness, cause I think, deep down, he was considering me too. But we were just too different, and there was the issue of his heritage which I know I can never win over.
So, another one bites the dust.
Speaking of "Dust", I've been reading Philip Pullman's His Dark Material Trilogy and am astounded by its brilliance! Oh, if you haven't read it, READ IT. It's an experience. I've finished book one and am left hungry for more. Beginning book 2 and its already grown on me --- VERY DIFFICULT TO PUT IT DOWN. I bring it everywhere where there is a light bright enough to read without damaging my corneas. Oh, read it, I know you'll love it!
Going back to my mundane existence, well, I'm finishing Book 2 of my fanfiction and after that, I am leaving the fandom all together to begin writing original material. I think I've had enough experience to pursue my original stories. Hopefully, I'll get the same response.
My dog gave birth the other week to five black puppies. Two died on the spot, while the third died a couple of days ago. She's a sheepdog, and I don't know what kind her boyfriend(s) was(were), can't really tell until they get a bit bigger.
I want a cat --- I'm more into cats than dogs actually. When I was a kid I used to pick stray kittens on the road and raise them. The most I had at one time was 21 cats --- and I play with each and every one of them. I know them by name and personality. I know them and they knew me. Sadly, they don't really last long, they died one by one, until I was left with no cat at all. In exchange for cats, I was given a monster by the Power above. She's more than enough to compensate for my cats (and when I mean more than enough, I mean really more than I can handle!) and like them, she drives me crazy. I love her. She's my life.
My mom just got a new store, it's a vegetable store and one time I tried helping out. I'm crap with math and especially crap at remembring prices, and what's worse is I recently discover that my mind gets fuzzy under pressure -- market pressure.
One time I sold three pieces of Tofu squares which supposed to only be 9.00 bucks (being 3 bucks each) for 15.00. I only realized the overprice after the customer had gone and felt wretched all day long. Stupid...go figure!
Bender sent me sms today, telling me he misses me, calling me sweetie, and I was sighing and telling myself, IF ONLY HE WASN'T BENT.
What a life...if it's not one thing, it's another.

---
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF. AND IF YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE THE YOU, YOU LOVE, WELL, THAT'S JUST FABULOUS…" – Carrie Bradshaw

HELP WANTED

2006-01-02T16:03:00.000+01:00

I'm having one of those days...you know the kind when you actually wish you were living another life only to regret ever thinking of it because you know, given the choice, you would live this life over again? That kind of a day is unbereable! I seem to have it more often now. Is it because of --- *gasp!* --- AGE?

Okay, so who gives a shit? Right? I am happy(???) with my life so far; not many people nowadays gets to live this kind of life. I eat so much food, I'm actually overweight. I have a job which is quite high-paying considering the status of this coutry's economy now. I am not drop-dead-gorgeous, but I'm not BUTT-UGLY either. In fact, there are those who, even with the excess flab all over my body, think I actually look attractive. They never make a move though. But they are vocal about it, which is a good sign. Not many get compliments nowadays, not unless you are like the obvious embodiment of sexy. I also have a very beautiful kid. I have the unconditional love of an entire family. There are literally hundreds of people just within our community who don't have ANY of these.

So why am I still unhappy?

Is it because there is another kind of life that I imagined having, which is the result of my overindulgence in the media? Maybe. Maybe that's what I really need to do. I need to purge myself of the media -- get rid of the INTERNET in my system, flush out the MOVIES, and vomit the TV that has taken up so much of my time and attention, it's actually eating my life to bits. Maybe, I have been living for so long inside this celluloid world called the INTERNET that I don't know how to live outside anymore. I've read about this somewhere; like there are literally thousands who go online each day, live another life, and go on until they become such a part of this world that the real world outside the browser is unreal.

I am living such a pathetic life that sometimes I get an orgasm out of nowhere. No kidding, without the need for ANY kind of manipulation. You think it's a blessing? No! It's embarassing! I have to control myself from actually making that moaning, groaning sound. And I don't have a sex issue. I actually don't have ANY sex life and proof of that is my menstrual period has gone haywire that my OB actually prescribed masturbation! I NEED TO OVULATE, or I won't have my monthly period. Abuse myself? That's the solution? I need to actually do this to myself...what's that song again? Make love out of NOTHING AT ALL?

Not unless there is really no other way. But there is always another way...there is always a plan B. And that is to shape up and find myself a decent MAN. I think it's about time that I start dating again. I mean really date. And men nowadays don't look at personality anymore. They are very superficial. THEN when they meet the girl and she looks good, when they actually start going out, that's the time they size them up for personality. So, even when I think it's LOW, and very degrading especially for someone like me who prizes herself as a thinking girl and not just another bimbo with large boobs, I have to do it. I have to be vain. I have to care about how I look, how I move, how I talk, and how I smell, because that's what men want. That's what men care about.

It's either that or the dildo.

I don't mind

2005-12-26T15:58:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time it was for real.../...nothing matters then we were together.../... oh and I couldn't ask for more, a dream came true, you were nearest to my heart.../

I can't make you love me anymore.../... nothing matters now that you are gone.../ ...I tried so many times before, only now I understand we never felt the same.

But I don't mind, no I don't mind. A better combination will be hard to find. I've got to learn to live again, it's so new being free, start a life a different kind. No one else, from now on, JUST ME.

I know there's plenty room for work.../...I've got to plan my new life's resolution.../ ... first of all I'll show you how I can survive--- I never knew that I could love like this.

But I don't mind, no I don't mind. A better combination will be hard to find. I've got to learn to live again, it's so new being free, start a life a different kind. No one else, from now on, JUST ME.

But I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind...
No I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind
No I...I, I don't mind
I don't mind, I don't mind, I DON'T ---- MIND.

Well...He's gone

2005-12-21T16:20:00.000+01:00

Yup! The Wood just confirmed my fears --- he's leaving for good --- and why not, when he was moved, against his will, to a place where Oxygen is scarce and you need to scrape the ceiling and floors for friends. I mean, no one understands him, and tolerates him more than I do I think. Maybe that was why we stayed friends in the first place. He was over-indulgent and I was tolerant.

Am I sad? Well, yes, I am. When he told me about the change, my heart broke because I knew what was coming next. This morning he confirmed it and although I'm still sad about it, I'm no longer that affected because I saw it coming from miles away. Am I going to move on? Where to? I haven't found anyone else. I mean there's bender, but he's bent all the way and though I still like to hang out with him, it's not the same as the Wood.

I feel like Cher, you know, in that movie Clueless? Where she falls for this guy Christian and he was this handsome, charming, adorable guy, who turns out to like other guys. He was not the average homosexual who cross dresses, wears make up and "glides". No, this guy dresses like a male model, has a face to drool over, and moves about like an average "bloke". But straights always know who bends, and Cher found out the hard way.

I don't have a back up plan like she does though. I don't have a "Josh" in my life. Ed was no Josh, he was more like the guy on the skateboard.

Anyway, so my life is sucky again. It's boring and routinary and I know I should be thankful because in other places in the world right now, there are people who can't have a square meal a day, while in other places they are just...dying. But I am just as dead anyway below the waist. I have cobwebs.

Very, very, very sad.

KINGDOM OF ORLANDO BLOOM!

2005-12-14T18:20:00.000+01:00

Yeah, you've guessed it, I saw the film KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, and I was blown away! Orlando Bloom's best film -- EVER! I've seen many of his films after LOTR and though his acting has been constantly entertaining, it is only in this film that I was really convinced that he's not just another pretty face.

After browsing over reviews at rottentomato.com I was somewhat disinterested in seeing it in the big screen when it did the runs because the reviews were THAT bad - both for the film and acting alike.

When my good friend Ed, who is my supplier of OST's, gave me a copy of the KOH OST my interest for the film grew because the music was enchantingly beautiful. I have been addicted to it since I got it! I keep it in my MP3 player all the time, and whenever I listen to it I get transported to a far away land --- happens to me when I listen to Enya, Enigma, and other OST's with a Celtic taste. I love the Celts!

Anyway, going back to the film --- it has the same feel as many historical epic turned movie like Braveheart, Gladiator, Troy. I don't care what they say about the film but I think the balance between the two opposing sides --- Muslims and Christians --- the struggle for Jerusalem which was never theirs in the first place because it belongs and will always belong to the Jews --- was given out in perfect balance. No one stood out as the bad guy, no one stood out as the bad, it was war --- they were all wrong.

Another part of the film that I really love to bits was the battle scene at the very end --- when Balien had to defend Jerusalem against Saladin's men with very little armed forces, and still able to stand and protect the people in the city. Balien was right --- it wasn't really a fight for religion, it was a fight for wealth and domination. Reginald De Trivoli was not there for God -- he was there for himself, to fill his belly with the spoils of war. Many of those who claimed they were doing it for God were not even God-Fearing people. They considered themselves as gods or an extension of God, as his representatives on earth, sent to carry out his judgement against everyone that stood in their path.

Balien was right in saying that war was not for God --- God had forsaken Jerusalem a long time ago. The war was for money --- it was always about money.

There's another war going on in the land of Saladin. Another way that, according to some, is a war for Democracy but what it really is, and everybody knows this, is that it's a war for OIL! Another crusades is happening in the Middle-East. Will there be another Balien who would realize it for what it really is?

Hope he's as cute as Orlando Bloom!

Geez! Alexander the Gay!

2005-12-05T21:19:00.000+01:00

Okay, I know this is soooo freaking late of me to post this because the film came out I think late last year or early this year. But I only got to see it last Saturday and, let me tell you, to say that I was shocked with what I saw would be a huge understatement.

Now, I am not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy the film because I enjoyed it tremendously. I love historical epics --- BRAVEHEART, TROY, KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, JOAN OF ARC --- anything that adds more light to our blurry past is going to be an instant favorite of mine. Especially when the film is done with lots of special effects, good dialogue, near-perfect casting, and beautiful cinematography --- THAT FILM IS WINNER, BABY!

Alexander was that kind of a movie -- THE CAST was almost perfect, the special effects and costume design very authentic, the dialogue well-written, and the scenery was breathtaking, every scene was marvelous to behold. Colin Ferrel has blown me away with his portrayal of the great conqueror, and though in some scenes he reminded me so much of Mel Gibson's William Wallace, still his passionate version of Alexander the Great not only made the near-mythical character more human, he made him lovable.

So what shocked me? Well, I have been emersing myself in so much literature lately because everybody knows I'm trying to write my own book. I am reading everything as long as its readable --- all kinds of genre, rating, by many kinds of authors, in many kinds of fandoms --- and I've stumbled upon "new ground" in my endless search for new work. Slash, it's called, and though it is a new kind of fiction, it's been going on longer than Shakespeare. Alexander was a SCREAMING PROOF of this.

I went to the official website of the film and here's what I got:

It was commonplace in this era for men to have male lovers although Alexander's mother Olympias was very jealous of his relationship with
Hephaestion. The envy of all the court officials made Hephaestion an isolated
man, dependent on and totally loyal to Alexander.
...Alexander was shocked and grieved bitterly for Hephaestion, the person who had been closest to his heart.

I was shocked to realize that Slash is historical. What I understand about Slash is that it's not Gay. Although it involves Male to Male relationship, it is not the gay aspect of the relationship that Slash fiction focuses on, rather it's the bond that is stronger than friendship, the lover-aspect of the relationship between two men, who express their love for each other physically. These are men who still need and sleep with women. Bisexual? Not really. Alexander was very much in love with Hephistion.

I got shocked because this was NOT the Alexander I learned from my History class. We were never introduced to this Alexander. He was very sensitive, charismatic, charming, and loving. I knew he was charming for he claimed nations not only by the sword, but by his charm. What I didn't expect was his deep relationship with Hephistion. It is the kind of love every woman longs for, and Alexander gave it to another man, who generously gives it back with the same intensity.

Makes you ask the question, is man allowed to love another man like such? Is it really taboo? Without the physical expression that classifies such relationships as gay, would such a relationship truly be considered true and normal even by Biblical standards? Such relationships exist even now--- no sex involved just pure, unadulterated, unconditional love between two people of the same sex.

PROZAC NIGHT

2005-11-30T17:58:00.000+01:00

"If you wanna be somebody...if you wanna go somewhere...you better wake up and pay attention."

Remember those lines? Well, I got up today and decided to accept my fate and take prescription drugs for my depression. MY DEPRESSION, which is nothing suicidal, though there might have been a point where I tried drinking more penicilin than necessary, but that was a long time ago, and I didn't have any "baskets" back then.

I want to be a better basketcase this time around so, I am depressed but have no right to be so I have to clear my sinuses and blow --- really hard --- enough to clear my brain of stress, and my ears of wax.

Or so they said; nothing is coincidence anymore. Just last night I had a dream. No it's nothing like Martin Luther King's version where the black people and the white people and all that jazz come together and shag, no this is a different dream, one that I will forever remember. It's about my new beau --- let's call him, Bender, because he bends. Really.

Okay, in my dream he's not bent at all, he's straight, and he and I were dancing the swing. In comes the Wood, and he looks at us and frowns and grabs my arm painfully, twisted it and hit me in the forehead with a book. The book happens to be THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA BOOK ONE - THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. I wake up to the screaming madness that is my mother and realized it was eight o'clock, time to get up, and get ready to go out.

What does that mean? I have absolutely NO CLUE. But, one thing forced me to drink half a pill today and that was the fact that they were both there, square, and angry. I'm a loser even in my dreams! Sheesh!

I had to stay in the office an hour after shift in order to see the wood who I miss like crazy nowadays. It's really sad to always be reminded that he and I are not an item at all because we feel like it --- at least I feel like it. How he feels is complicated.

WELL, let the night wear away with my head far away, with my heart stowed away, to a land far, far away...make sense?

HOW TO TELL IF A GUY LIKES A GIRL --- AND ALL THAT SODDING RUBBISH!

2005-11-25T23:25:00.000+01:00

Okay, found this rubbish on Friendster:

HOW TO TELL IF A GUY LIKES A GIRL

1. The guy will try to make you laugh.

2. He'll flirt with you when he can.

3. He might try to show off around you.

4. He'll help you out, if you ask for it.

5. He'll stick up for you when you need it most.

6. He'll be friendly to you and all your friends.

7. He might call you for no good reason.

8. He might make fun of you, in a joking way.

9. He'll tell you that you did good, even if you did horrible.

10. He'll make eye contact with a happy grin on his face.

The 'Wood' shows all this and more...so does this mean he's into me? Not a chance. He likes me but I think he sees a guy whenever he sees me. So this thingy is really not accurate.

One more freaking thing is that I keep on convincing myself (and everyone I know) that he does. I mean what is that? Isn't that sick? It is! But do I stop myself from doing it? NO! Why? I don't know! For some reason, saying he does, that he shows 'stuff' that might mean something eases the burden of knowing he never will.

Damn! Why am I even falling for this guy? I mean, he's weird....in a cute sort of way. But he's still weird...am I into weirdos now? Is that a good thing or bad? Is that okay?

Quidditch! Things never get any easier, life is one ballgame until the umpire says FOUL! How do you define what's foul nowadays? If I kissed him in public, expressing my long-overdue-feelings-two-years-in-the-making-on-and-off attraction to him, is that considered foul? Will he report a sexual harassment case to HR?

HR --- don't even ask.

Anyway, lots of craziness this week. No turkey, no apple pie -- PIE! NO! don't ask as well -- no doe, nothing but a bag of insecurities eating my depleting ego. By the weekend, another chapter to the depressing fic will be added. People will again rant on why I had to kill this character, or how sick I am for doing it --- I DON'T FRIGGIN' CARE! --- it's cheaper than Therapy!

YOU'VE GOT MAIL --- Yeah, right!

2005-11-23T19:02:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I bought a copy of this movie YOU'VE GOT MAIL, and like before, wishing I was as lucky as the characters in the story. I love Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, I think they make a very nice couple, don't you?

Anyway, I was watching and several lines got stuck inside my head. First, the Godfather --- what the hell is all that referrence for? I've seen the film and franklY, I don't like it. Was it because it's a guy thing? Or that I was never really impressed with gangster films. Road to Perdition was nice, but I wouldn't want to watch it twice.

Then, Meg Ryan said something about her life being "valuable but small". I sometimes feel this way, although I know that my life is only valuable because of the monster. Without her, my life is just --- small. The four corners of my day can be suffocating its so small. How I wished I could be like Kathleen Kelly who feels her life is of value without a reason why it is. It just is.

Then of course the cliche ending --- shopgirl and ny152 end up happily ever after --- how unreal. You know, half the people you meet online are either married, perverted luncatics, or kids pretending to be adults. I was in this online game once where one of the players came up to my character and said, wanna go inside the tower (there was a tower in the game) and make-out? I followed him to the tower then when we were there, I asked him how old he was and he said he was 13. I logged out.

Then I was online in a chatroom and someone wanted to have cyber-sex - which was mentioned in the movie and treated like it was a normal thing. IT IS SICK! Because believe it or not, even in a chat room, having casual sex without love is for me the ultimate squick. This guy would not take no for an answer, then I had the misfortune of seeing him online in his webcam and he was an old arabian guy. He was butt naked and BUTT UGLY! *cringe*

Alright, so another point I got from this movie was that New York is a nice place --- is it? Really? And there are people like Joe Fox walking about? Logging into AOL and would drop their girlfriends just like that?

I hate daisies. They make me sneeze.

Okay, then there's the whole business of being alone. Let's hear that one more time --

A L O N E

Hear the echo? Well, I know this is something everybody fears, but I'm not sure I am afraid anymore. Being alone is just like sleeping without someone else on the bed. I don't like feeling crammed when I sleep. Not even by my kid who, by the way, does cartwheels while she sleeps, that I wake up with her feet on my face.

Then the book Pride and Prejudice. I've read it and frankly did not enjoy it at all. I could not relate to the story.

Finally, the whole mushy feeling it leaves on you like sticky glue feels good a few hours after you've seen the film. Then reality sinks in and you realize what they hey, that movie was one HUGE lie. Enjoyable though.

Harry Potter and the Lightning-Fast Film

2005-11-23T00:32:00.000+01:00

Review by the Daily Utah Chronicle
By: Jenni Koehler

As with all Harry Potter movies, when compared with its written forerunner, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" sucks.

A lot.

It's like…a flaming load of poop.

But when compared with its film brethren, the newest adaptation emerges as undeniably the best Potter movie yet.

Like a peacock from its lair, No. 4 steps majestically into the spotlight-head held high, its gorgeous plumage on full display, strutting, almost, with pride in its stunning visual prowess.

And this film's visuals-sets, costumes, special effects-are spectacular. They'd have to be, for a story like this. Isn't that the reason people put books on screen in the first place? To provide the visuals that the book merely describes?

Regardless, "Goblet" does have a few substantial problems-it seems as though this outwardly flawless peacock suffers from high blood pressure, indigestion and arthritis. But we'll get to that later.

The saga's fourth installment picks up in the summer before Harry's (Daniel Radcliffe) fourth year at Hogwarts. Harry and Hermione (Emma Watson) join Ron (Rupert Grint) and the Weasley clan for a trip to the Quidditch World Cup, which gets sacked post-Bulgarian victory by the wizarding world's version of the KKK.

These scenes are glossed over in mere moments-we aren't even given a minute of world-class Quidditch play, much less the disturbing Muggle torture found in the book ("No, no, it would be too much for innocent children's eyes!").

After the riots erupt (and seconds later, dissipate) in the Woodstock-like tent village, we're whisked away to the train and Hogwarts' opening feast at which everyone learns that Hogwarts is to host an ancient and prestigious wizarding competition, the Triwizard Tournament. Three schools compete in three tasks for unquestionable victory and supremacy.

This contest is so dangerous that it hasn't been held in more than 100 years-but hey, sometimes magical powers just aren't exciting enough.

The magical Goblet of Fire itself has the job of selecting the three best students to represent their respective schools. Delicate, blonde and supposed-to-be-enchantingly-beautiful Fleur Delacour (ineptly played by Clémence Poésy) is selected to represent the French Beauxbatons Academy; dark and brutish Bulgarian seeker/superstar Viktor Krum (broodingly played by Stanislav Ianevski) is chosen to represent the shadowy Durmstrang Institute; handsome and aloof Cedric Diggory's name flies out of the goblet to compete for Hogwarts.

But wait!

No one can celebrate yet because the omniscient chalice shoots out one more name-Harry Potter.

But no!

Harry's three years too young to compete! What will everyone-oh, screw it, he has to compete. The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding agreement…yada, yada, yada. Where would this story be going if our 'Arry couldn't contend?

There begins three sequences of phenomenal action, special effects and all-around eye candy, each ended with hasty character introduction and development, mystery and teenager tension, including various squabbles, romantic crushes and the Yule Ball, aka Magical Prom.

"Goblet" wastes absolutely no time in establishing anything (characters, mysteries, conflicts), whether it's new or not. Coming from a 735-page book, this film was forced to be as efficient as cinematographically possible. This meant cutting anything studio execs saw as remotely superfluous, which allowed the behemoth book to fit into one movie but clearly resulted in an inferior telling of the tale.

On top of some odd pacing-too much time seems to be spent where it wasn't as needed-every scene in "Goblet" is rushed. The result: an excellent summary of the book's story for those who know it and a highly entertaining, but rather confusing and undeveloped, barrage of scenes for those who don't.

Except for vapid Fleur, almost everyone in the film is well-cast and delivers a nearly spot-on performance. Brendan Gleeson is an apt Mad-Eye Moody, Miranda Richardson is almost tart enough as Rita Skeeter, David Tenant is perfectly devious as Barty Crouch Jr., and Hogwarts' staff is as excellent as ever. Too bad their roles were almost completely cut out.

"Goblet's" most climactic scene appropriately features its most stunning book-to-movie realization: Lord Voldemort. As the embodiment of evil, Ralph Fiennes' Voldemort is flawlessly insidious, perfectly chilling, completely…evil. This scene is not just the climax of this film, but of the entire series thus far, and it is pulled off so well that no fan, no matter how dedicated to the books, will complain.

On the other hand, Michael Gambon's Dumbledore was a bit over the top, as he abandoned the headmaster's principal trait, absolute composure, and lost his temper with Harry. Tsk, tsk.

Radcliffe once again looks the part of Harry Potter but somehow fails to convey the depth his character requires. All his emotions appear only skin-deep, as though Radcliffe is trying to be so complex that he hides his emotions from everyone. But this only results in a feeling of distance between Harry and his audience.

And again, Grint's Ron emerges as the most engaging character. Radcliffe's career after Potter is debatable, but Grint, with his incredible comedic instinct and facial command, will without a doubt go on to have a fruitful acting career.

Overall, newcomer director Mike Newell and screenwriter Steve Kloves have done a pretty good job in adapting J.K. Rowling's beloved book. Considering the gargantuan amount of story they had to work with, Newell and Kloves definitely tried hard to cram it all in.

Like Columbus' and Cuaron's adaptations, though, "Goblet's" main problem is its inability to stand alone. Many questions arise through the course of "Goblet," the answers to which are just plain left out. This yields a story that stands on shaky knees to all who don't already know it.

But for what it is, "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" is as powerful and breathtaking as a swift gust of fire from a dragon's nostrils. And, alas, it moves just as quickly.

Source: Utah Daily Chronicle

MY GOF REVIEW

2005-11-22T21:11:00.000+01:00

THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO HARRY / HERMIONE MOMENT --- THANK GOD!

In place of the repulsive, brain-twisting, un-canon pairing that was so damn obvious in POA, there is a plethora of Slash pairings that abound in this film.

Harry / Ron - I was actually expecting them to kiss after making up, they looked like they were on the verge of doing it. They were so much sweeter to each other than they were to their girl partners (whether it was with Hermione, Parvati, Padma, Cho, and Fleur).

Cedric - had his head on a boy's lap when Harry went looking for him to tell him about the dragons. I don't know why, but that made me ask the question, is Cedric gay? Shouldn't it be Cho Chang's lap that he should be laying on? Or any girl for that matter? Why a boy? The British are very hard to understand.

The Graveyard scene was PERFECT! I have never felt more joy to see a villain make an entrance since Darth Vader. I was actually applauding when Voldemort was torturing Harry and hoped that the torture would last longer because it seemed to bring out the actor in Daniel Radcliffe. I was hooting in the theatre, saying, MORE! MORE! Make him scream! And of course got disturbed looks from the other people in the audience.

Ralph Fiennes is PERFECT for VOLDEMORT!

I hate the second task. The second task was disgraceful! I hate the fact that they used wax versions of the hostages--- UGLY WAX VERSIONS. Why didn't they just used the real actors to do it, anyway the shot was not that long? The wax versions didn't look life-like, they were ugly, and they all looked like they were melting, plus they moved like puppets when dragged away -- that has got to be the most horrible special effects ever done on film! It destroyed the second task for me! It really did.The third task was too short! I was expecting a bit more action during the final task but I think they were cutting down on time, and money, and perhaps special effects. I don't know why, but I had the feeling WB doesn't have a good special effects team like WETA.The beginning was okay, I was already thrilled and said to myself, I think this is it, the HP movie that will make it's mark, but as the story went on, though there were some parts that lifted my hopes, when it got to the end, I was still holding my breath. The climax NEVER CAME! That ending made the whole film feel like an atomic bomb that ended up as a dud. I'm still waiting for the climax till this day.

FILCH - what the hell did they do to him? I know they needed a comic relief but what they did to Filch's character is too much. It wasn't even funny anymore plus it gave the whole feeling of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when this is supposed to be a dark film. Stick to the genre! Stick to the overall feel! It already has a high rating to begin with why not go ALL THE WAY. They sacrificed the quality of the film for rating --- that is almost synonimous to betrayal.

Hermione's nervous-wreck of a character. I mean, the book version was worried for Harry, but she was NOT a nervous wreck. The film version, and I don't know if this was Kloves, Mike's, or Emma's fault, but boy that acting was getting on my nerves. Hermione is a strong person, and although she was very worried for Harry in GOF, she still held her ground, and in fact was the one that discovered Rita Skeeter's unlisenced 'bug' personality. You can't do that if you're always near tears like Emma . I hate it, it made me want to gag everytime Hermione was on the screen. The eyelash batting thing, and heavy breathing, as well as cracking of the voice made me think that Hermione was about to lose it at some point.

The change in Ginny's character -- she was hostile to Ron. Weren't they supposed to be close? I always had the impression that Ginny and Ron were close in fact best friends among the Weasley children. So her lashing out on Ron because of the dress robe was a bit of a turn-off. I couldn't stop myself from saying the B word out loud.

Sadly, Daniel Radcliffe has not completely convinced me that he is an actor to watch. Although he has improved somewhat from POA, he still lacks convincing emotions to pull off this film effectively. Whether it was loathing, apathy, grief, love, or terror, I don't know what else he should do to improve, but he needs to do something quick, before OoTP starts shooting in January because that book is an emotional roller-coaster ride. His eyes which are large enough to be expressive lack the brilliance that made Elijah Wood a living icon for facial expression. I mean that guy can make you feel ten different emotions in ten seconds just by changing the expression of his eyes. I do believe that Daniel can do the same, if he just took acting a bit more seriously. He's treating this as though everyone owed him a favor --- guess what Dan, it's the other way around.

I am a Rupert Grint fan, always have been, always will be, but I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in his performance in this film. Before I went to see this film, I've read so many reviews from critics that I was expecting to swoon over but sadly, I did not. His acting was a bit bland and though he is far better than Daniel (in any of the films) I'd say that he could have done better in this one. The part where Harry and Ron were fighting, I don't know but the only time he convinced me it was real was during the very short shot after he said 'piss-off'. Before that it was just --- bland. No internal dispute seen in his eyes, which is very expressive. Just a technical, shallow, show of emotions. I wanted something deeper knowing Rupert he can easily pull this off, I don't know why he was hesitating. Was it a technique imposed by Mike? If it were, it's a bad technique. Rupert was holding back a great deal.

Of the four newcomers the only one that disappointed me was Katie Leung. She needs MORE acting lessons. I hate the way she 'cried' at the end. That was a horrible bit of acting, the most appaling acting in the lot! She has the face of Cho Chang but she needs to take acting lessons if she expects to stay longer in this business.

The actor playing Amos Diggory broke my heart when he said, that's my son, that's my boy. I think I cried when he started wailing. The reaction towards his loss was so geniune that you immediately get the message: Magic or no magic, death is devastating. That small piece of acting he did, was more than all the acting done by many of the main characteres in all four films combined.

Clemence was a revelation. I thought she was repulsive as Fleur but it turns out I was completely wrong. She was not photogenic, but she was beautiful in the film. She convinced me she deserved to be cast as Fleur. She was beautiful and her acting matched her beautiful face. She had the depth of a pro and the face of an Veela, and the sensitivity of a seasoned veteran. I felt really ashamed for saying all those horrible things about her when the stills came out. I was really wrong, and if I see her in person, I would gladly apologize to her and commend her for doing a great job in this film.

Robert was also adorable as Cedric, although, it might just be me, but has anyone noticed how he is often shot with boys, rather than girls. The shot where Harry told him about the dragons, he had his head on some boys' lap. What the hell? Anyway, I loved his portrayal of Cedric, just like Fleur, Robert handled this character exceptionally well. You can't help but love him --- he was really handsome in every shot -- LITERALLY in every shot! Cedric was indeed absurdly Handsome. His acting was almost impecable. The death scene was really shocking, and he played that part like a pro.

Stan was absolutely GORGEOUS! Everytime he came into view all the girls in the cinema went "ahhhhhh" and I, along with them, melt whenever he'd look at Hermione. Emma would be made of stone if she didn't fall for him. What's more is that he is also a newcomer and yet it seemed like he had been doing this for many years. He was incredibly effective as Viktor Krum.

MORE TO COME ----

Another date---- DAMN IT!

2005-11-22T20:58:00.000+01:00

okay, so that date that was not technically a date actually happened. He set the alarm to 8:30 am and his brother set it earlier so when the alarm went off, he didn't wake up. I sent him sms and that woke him up but of course at that moment I was already pissed -off and on my way home. He called me up and we met up in the mall and went to see the film, and guess what? We got a little cozy.

He, for the first time, I swear to the heavens above, was leaning over. Not the friendly lean where you don't feel even a spark, but the more intimate closer lean where you get a shock everytime your thighs touch. I swear, his face was like a few inches away from mine and everytime he said something and I turn to face him, he moves closer, so close, I swear, had I leaned a bit closer we could have had our first kiss. But I was careful. I don't want him going out of the cinema feeling abused.

What the hell am I saying? You know, there was a time when men came falling at my feet, begging me for attention asking for my number, filling my mailbox with useless rattle that I end up closing the damn thing. Now, I'm not even brave enough to give this guy a kiss? What the hell happened to me? Aside from the obvious physical changes which I still have trouble fixing, my resolve has gone down a notch and well, my self-esteem is hanging in the balance. So, is that the reason why I am not taking this risk of moving this so-called 'relationship' to the next level?

I don't know anymore. All I know is, between my swoons to Stan's Viktor Krum, and obvious disappointment over the film altogether, I felt like there was something different between us during those two and a half-hours inside that theatre. I can't point it out, but I know he and I had something there that we never had before. He stayed longer too, unlike before when he can't wait to leave, now he and I took a stroll around the mall and talked about things. We looked at stuff, he asked about my kid --- which he seldom does, not unless I bring it up, and was geniunely disappointed when I told him she was sick and couldn't come.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with him? What the hell is wrong with us? Why can't we do this simple thing? I mean, if there is more to it, why not just say it and be done with it. Move up or move down. Instead of this crazy plateau we're in which is driving me NUTS! I'm scared of losing him, I'm really scared of losing what we already have, but if I never make a move, I will never forgive myself because I will always be wondering what if. I hate that. I really, really hate that.

Well, that's another one for my memory bank guess --- another useless, depressing memory.

I am falling for this guy and he doesn't even care! I don't know whether to be delighted or if my heart should break. I want a definite emotion. Something stable. Not this unknown feeling that is making me scream inside. I WANT OUT!

damn it! damn everything!

STAR LIGHT, STAR BRIGHT, WHERE THE %^&%&$&^ IS MR. RIGHT?

2005-11-03T17:48:00.000+01:00

FREAKING HELL! I did it again! Now, I really feel sorry for this pathetic thing called, MY LIFE. I know that in many places around the globe there are people who have a harsher life than what I have right now, I am well-off if you compare me to millions, and I know I am considered lucky by many and should be very, very, sodding happy I am still ALIVE! But my god, I am so lonely inside it's sickening!

Outside, I am happy and gay and people look to me for fun. Clowns always make people laugh even when they themselves have nothing to smile about. That's the life of a clown.
I AM NOT A FRIGGIN' CLOWN! I don't want to be one either, though it feels good when I make people laugh, and I see them reacting positively to my jokes (even to my invented cuss words because I really hate cursing), I still don't want to be the Clown. Because Clowns are the loneliest people on earth, and most of the time, other people don't care how they really feel inside.

I don't know what I want anymore. I want to go out into the world and find myself again. But I don't want to leave my kid behind. The thought of going through a day without seeing her is unbearable. I know that there will come a time that I would have to leave her for longer periods of time and I know that my family will take very good care of her, but --- I AM THE ONLY PARENT SHE'S GOT. If she doesn't have me around she's technically an orphan. I will never forgive myself if something happens to her while I am away, and that will be the only thing running through my head all day. So, with that in mind, how the hell am I supposed to meet someone much less myself?

See my point? I often don't make any point at all, but that's why I think I have this problem -- MY LIFE IS POINTLESS if not for her. I don't see a reason to be here --- waste of space and oxygen.

I want to write, but even that is painful. I want to sing, but that won't get my kid through college. I want to be in love --- BUT THERE IS NO ONE TO LOVE. NO ONE TO TRUST. NO ONE TO CALL MY OWN.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *jumps off cliff*

TWO DREAMS IN A ROW

2005-11-02T18:14:00.000+01:00

I don't believe in dreams coming true because none of my dreams came true. NONE. But most of the time, my dreams tell a story and I have proven in three occassions that they were warnings--- Telling me of things to come as if preparing me for the onslaught.

One time, I was in this very abusive relationship with a guy fifteen years older than me, and I had a dream where he told me to go find someone else. We weren't having any problems that time, and I was madly in love with him. About a week after that dream, something really bad happened and we ended up apart. I was broken nearly to insanity. Then I remembered the dream and thought, maybe I should have listened.

Then another time, again in another bad relationship, I had a dream where my then boyfriend, about five years older than me, asked me if I was tired of it all. Again, we weren't having any issues but weeks after that dream, we started fighting to the point where we had to break up violently. Then I remember the dream, and again, ask myself, maybe I should have listened.

Now, I am dreaming again, and the reason why I feel this dream needs attention, is because it tells a story. Just the like the ones before, though this one tells a different, more wholesome story.

It begins blurry, like I am walking through several corridors, opening several doors, and end up in a bedroom with a fluffy bed with soft white comforters. Lying on the bed is a guy from work that I have been attracted to for the last two years. He calls me over and I lie on his chest and we watch TV together as if it was the most natural thing in the world. My kid comes in, starts jumping on the bed and then goes outside, and then my mom calls us saying dinner is ready and we both get up and go outside. END OF DREAM.

Today, just this morning, I dreamed again. This begins with me in the bedroom of our old house. I was getting dressed obviously, perhaps getting ready for work or something. Then I go out and there, waiting inside a blue car was the same guy. I get in the car, put my seatbelt on, and we drive---again as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

Okay, now I know what you all must be thinking --- I'm dreaming of having a life with this guy. But that is what's weird, I like him, but but not enough to consider him for marriage. Why? We are too different to the point of compromise. And I am NOT going to compromise anything -- neither will he.

We are good friends --- sometimes I feel we are more, but that's just me.

Well, it's weird. My life has never been simple anyway.

Arrrggghh!!! PIRATES!

2005-10-02T19:26:00.000+02:00

"Psst! Avast there! It be too late to alter course, mateys, and there be plundering pirates lurking in every cove, waitin' to board. Sit closer together and keep yer ruddy hands inboard! That be the best way to repel boarders. And mark well me words, mateys, Dead men tell no tales!
Heh heh heh..."

If the Pirate is as sexy as Johnny Depp (even underneath all that grime and oil), I'd be a pirate anyday of the week and twice on Sunday! Yo-ho! Why? Can you ask, mate? To be with Johnny, of course! They needs persuaion, mates... fire at will!... (Kaplooowee!)

Okay so I guess it's quite obvious what my obsession is, this month -- yer right -- PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN. And no, it's not because of Orlando Bloom - Sod it! It's Johnny Depp (The Sexiest Man alive). Johnny brought new meaning to the phrase - SHIVER ME TIMBERS -- don't ask what my timbers are that need shiverin' (hint: as per MPAA regulations, last time I checked, it ain't allowed on blogs). Anyhoo, see I was bored beyond common boredom and next thing I knew - LO AND BEHOLD - Johnny Depp is on the telly as the swashbucklin' pirate captain - Jack Sparrow - smiling like a devil in the deep blue sea. I've like swooned over this man since 21 Jumpstreet (so now yah know how old I am, love, don't go blubbin, ya bilge rat!) and even then I knew that he was going to be huge. Now, after a wife and beautiful kids, he still makes me swoon and surprisingly I am not even jealous of the little miss that fills his bed each night. He's supposed to have one!

Crowd: We wants the red head! We wants the red head! We wants the red head!

So, does this mean that I have forgotten my 'younger' obsession Rupert Grint? Not at all. I still find this young bloke equally attractive and - although I'm not sure he'd be as sexy as Jack Sparrow when he gets older - I'm pretty sure he'll be an icon on millions of walls for the next ten years (And an obsession in me putrid mind for the next two)

Now, back to Jack. Love him, love him, love him! Will indulge in more Johnny this week - I have a list of his films my favorite being Sleepy Hollow. And it's not just Johnny I love about that - it's the whole thing - TIM BURTON! Come on, everybody knows Tim and Johnny, are like Leo and Martin, Tom and Stephen, Harrison and George - the partnership is flawless Johnny's wife should be jealous. I have that, and adore the film to bits - Johnny's Ichabod is the sexiest one ever! Then of course the Pirates, Edward Scissorhands, and Crybaby.

I also know that Johnny is currently making the sequel for Pirates. That I'll be more than willing to see on the silver screen and buy in original DVD. (I NEVER BUY PIRATED ONES - I'M NO PIRATE! Well, slightly I guess.)

Drunk Pirate: Six it be! Six bottles of rum!

Alright! Octoberfest is fast approaching! Shall I indulge in such paganistic nonesense? Sure, why not? Blasted Hestian! Come back to haunt the nasty blighter! Eherm! I'm not spunging for rum! It be gold I'm after!

I really need to purge myself of the media. It's not good for me living - - hardly living at all. Just blundering about from one day to the next- wishing, dreaming, daydreaming, writing, wishing again, hoping, realizing that sooner or later I have to wake up to the harsh reality of life.

Until that day comes, let me stay with my lovelies one more time...Pipe the redhead aboard, come on now....

THEY STOLE MY THUNDER!

2005-09-25T17:28:00.000+02:00

*Flashback rant*

Okay, so there's this one guy in my past who I think was the biggest disappointment in my life. I was like 14 when he came blundering in disrupting my already crappy life. He made me believe in something that was utterly impossible for more than five freaking years! He took away my thunder! He took away my chance for a nice love life!
How?
Well, first, he showed that he was interested in me. His mom liked me and teased us everytime we were together. I really thought there was a chance that he'd be my first boyfriend. I imagined myself walking somewhere romantic, holding hands with him, feeling special. Then he went and showed the same interest to another girl. His mom tried to appease me saying He thinks I was too young. Being 14 and him being 18, I could see the logic there. So I waited, because I knew, he liked me --- I was only young. I eventually grew up and again he showed interest, leading me on, only to break my heart again by having a steady relationship with an older girl. They broke up sooner than expected, and he and I got closer again. Him showing that same interest that made me BELIEVE there was something else behind those chinito eyes of his. Then he went and courted another girl! This time, I knew he was off his mind, because the girl was NOT pretty at all. She wasn't popular, and she wasn't his type! I know, because his mom tells me about what he really likes. I know that I fit the bill. He made me feel that I DO FIT THE BILL! Only, I was too young. The girl he was courting belonged to a rich family.
I was heartbroken for so long, I can't remember when I actually stopped loving him. I tried to look for him in every guy I went out with. Now, I see him broken into pieces because the girl (who he eventually married) turned out to be the biggest mistake he ever made. They are currently separated - they have kids - and the girl has turned him into a complete garbage.
I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for her, too. I feel sorry for their kids.
But when I look back, and realize how they both stole my thunder, my chance to be a teenager, something that could have turned me around -- even if we broke up in the end -- makes me feel angry at them both.
I can't help but feel vindicated every time I see her. She made me feel really ridiculous. He made me feel ugly.

Completely out of the Way

2005-09-20T21:49:00.000+02:00

I hate being a writer sometimes. The fact that literature is actually an art form, and those who dabble with it are actually considered Artists, helps me like another hurricane would help Louisianna. I am MESSED UP! Several stories are being dictated inside my head all at the same time and all I can think of is Robert Langdon. I have seriously fallen for this guy! Dan Brown, you bad- bad man!
Anyhow, I've been reading the Da Vinci Code (go figure) and have learned so many trivial things along with getting a high with the thrilling twists and turns. What struck me with this story is how much it's based on fact. My father is actually interested in the book because of the many factual referrences that Dan Brown mentions in this work of fiction. I learned about the DIVINE PROPORTION - PHI - something that, being a math hater, I never learned (even if it was discussed by a teacher sometime during my analytic Geometry days, the whole thing passed over me like the angel of death, so don't ask). I also learned about the whole other life Leonardo Da Vince lived, the paganistic origins of female worship, and why he drew a very femine John. I've always known that Mona Lisa was male (had to be, or she'd be one ugly *****!) eherm! So it was Leo after all - hah! Good job. Very, very cunning. Why is she smiling, because she has a twinkie under all that garb! hehehehe. What I didn't know, was that the name Mona Lisa, is a contraction of two Egyptian dieties = Amon, and Isis, who used to be called L'sa, put them together, AmonL'sa, Amon(na)L(i)'sa - A Mona Lisa. Very clever! Indeed!
Another bit of trivia that I found ridiculously intruiging is the origin of Friday the 13th. As well as the Origin of the Freemasonry (Priory of Sion founded the Knights Templar that founded the Freemasonry brotherhood - I love the Freemasons! My grandpa and uncle being members of this fraternity.)
So, I am stuck with this good and thrilling author and have pushed back all the muses for my own work. I pushed them completely out of the way, so that I can indulge myself in Dan Brown's works (and even the books he listed on the FAQ's will be added to my collection).
So what happens to my own stories - dark and dangerous and very disturbing they are? Put them on hold, no one would die if I don't continue ASAP. They will all have to wait for the next installment - IF JK can make them hold their breath for two years, I think I can do the same thing. Although, I would not suggest that they hold their breath at all. It's really not ALL that - even in my personal opinion.
Well, I'm depressed again, and repressed as an artist (le artiste) But do I care? Not one damn bit! Sometimes you have die to enjoy life.

THE BUDDY SYSTEM DOESN'T WORK!

2005-08-17T15:17:00.000+02:00

I saw two films this week that more or less encapsulates my personal dilemma. Down with Love, and Bridget Jones' Diary. Both films starred one of my favorite actress to date - Renée Zellweger. The characters she portrayed in both movies were adorable and even when scenes took a perverse turn I still found it entertaining to watch. However, and I don't know if this has something to do with my being 'mature', I tend to find meaning in films that I see now, and found many in both that was meant to be just for entertainment.

DOWN WITH LOVE. Do I see myself as Barbara Novak? Never. Not even her former alter ego. Not even Vikki, not even Catcher Block (although seeing Ewan McGreggor made me feel very uncomfortable wearing clothes.) So how do I relate this film to me? Well, essentially the story revolves around women and what they 'think' they need to do to make it in a predominantly male world. They try to be equal with them by coming up with the idea that Love is the culprit - women want love, security, and commitment - men don't. That is why women often get left behind, sacked, or forgotten, the movie explained, because women can't live life the way men can. Nevertheless, the author, Barbara Novak, falls in love and admits that she does want love and can't live without it.

So I ask myself, am I trying to be a Barbara Novak? I've successfully convinced both myself and my family that I am no longer interested in having a relationship. I've told my officemates that my being addicted to a guy who has 'no romantic interest in me' was what I want because it was safe. Because I knew he would never make a move. Because I don't want love. DOWN WITH LOVE!...?

I still cannot picture myself living in a house with a man and children and I taking orders from him, washing his socks, mending his clothes, worrying myself sick when he doesn't come home on time (fuming with anger when he doesn't come home at all), and going livid green when he so much as looks at another woman. I've done my share of that and swore never to go into it again. It ain't worth it. I am contented with what I have and don't have now. When I get the urge to want more, all I need to do is look back at what happened when I did have it, and the dream fades faster than fart (although it does leave a stinking smell for a couple more minutes).

But will my bringing down love help me in the long run? The now is easier to deal with when you still have your family to fall back on. The tomorrow is what scares me, and it scares the hell out of my mom as well. Should I do a Barbara Novak and find my own Catcher Block?

BRIDGET JONES' DIARY - This girl is soooo me! I am Bridget Jones - although I can sing. Keeping this pathetic blog is proof enough how alike we are. I see myself in her - jumping onto the first guy who shows how hot he is for me. Only to end up broken hearted. I look at her and see what I've become and cringe. This is not England. I don't have my own place. I don't have friends who come in the middle of the night, and I can't drive a freaking car! In the first place, I don't have a car!

How do I relate to her then? Simple. She and I have the same problem - MEN. A good thing about her is that she found one whom she really loves and loves her back. I still have to find mine, and sadly, there seems to be a shortage of eligible bachelors where I am right now. I see a lot of nice 'Boys', and although some are hot enough to tickle my fancy, I feel like a damn pedophile at the end of the day.

Then this afternoon, I asked my brother what is it about me that men find unattractive? He says something that all this time I thought was my biggest weapon - I was their friend. Yes! All this time I actually thought that being a 'buddy' helps build a relationship that would eventually blossom into romance. Turns out I was totally wrong! My brother explains that men in general wouldn't date their 'friends'. He says that the only guys who end up romantically involved with their friend or best friend was either a weirdo or in a movie. In real life, it doesn't happen. For me to be attractive to men, I have to be THE OPPOSITE SEX. If I was their buddy, they see me as the same sex and therefore all lust goes out the window.

This was the biggest mistake I've been doing with the 'Tree'. I was his buddy. I was his pal. All he sees in me was a friend - nothing more. So, if I want to be all-Barbara-Novak-Bridget-Jones on him, I will have to convince him that I am the opposite sex.

So, UP WITH MAKE UP! UP WITH PUSH UP BRA'S AND SKIMPY PROVOCATIVE OUTFITS! UP WITH HIGH HEELS!

The buddy system doesn't work, girls.

IF ONLY...

2005-08-08T21:29:00.000+02:00

I rode on his car tonight. After years of convincing myself that I am over him, that there was nothing connecting me to him in any way, shape or form, I was put to shame tonight by my own fantasies .

I smell his perfume and I stiffen instantly, unable to move, unable to be my usual quirky self. I see his reflection in the mirror and the next thing that runs through my mind is enough to be rated R by any movie review board (perhaps on others, it'd be considered soft porn). I sit beside him and suddenly everything about me is wrong - because he is there, this perfect creature I have held in a pedestal in my mind.

I normally don't care how I look whenever I leave for work, not even when "the wood" is around, because he doesn't give a damn how I look anyway. To him, the wood, I can be who I wanna be and it won't matter. When I sat inside his car, with him so close beside me, I was suddenly aware of myself to the point where I can't think anymore. Suddenly I was conscious of my smell, my hair, my make-up, my movements, my speech, the topics I chose, the replies I give. I was acting like a TEENAGER who was suddenly sitting beside my crush.

I've never felt more annoyed with myself than I did sitting beside him in his very nice car, with him smelling and looking just as good as the last time we were together. He knows I like him. He knows that I've liked him since 1991.

*sigh*

Always Implied...Never Spoken

2005-07-04T17:27:00.000+02:00

Okay, picture this:

You like Guy
Guy sort of likes you too, but in an odd kind of way that you're not sure what you are to him exactly
then you and Guy get together often and your "friendship" grows
then you feel like it is more than that, though Guy never really says anything and most of the time the two of you talk about other things - but never talk about LOVE, or anything that would involve you two
He spends time with you, and almost everyone you both know say that there's something more about him than what even he cares to admit.
All this happens every single day at work and you begin to believe that your hunch is true - or perhaps CLOSE to the real dealiyoyo.

Everytime you get together there is something more than friendship that is always implied...but never spoken. You wait for that time when he'd admit it to you -- or at the least to himself-- that what you had is more than a buddy-thingy. Then he turns around and does something else, more awkward than wrestling with you in the grass, and you ask yourself--- AM I READING INTO IT TOO MUCH?

It's so hard to be a girl...it's even harder because I'm a woman...and the worse is yet to come...what if I suddenly fall, and he won't catch me?

SHOCKER! I know...

Then again I've always been a sucker for love and all that crap. I love poetic lines, and corny cliche's, romantic schemes, and cute glances...I want them all...gosh! I'm starting to sound like Barbra Streisand! But it's true. I think everyone with a uterus knows how I feel. Even those who "want" to have a uterus can relate...everyone wants to be loved.

I only want to be loved by one...sadly...I don't think he knows what it means...

BEING HEATHER MOONEY

2005-06-01T21:22:00.000+02:00

I just bought a vcd (original - not pirated) or Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion the other week and I and my daughter have been enjoying it everyday watching it more than once per day too. I love the story because it is not only extremely hilarious I just find myself relating to one of the characters there - HEATHER MOONEY - I did not smoke in High School though and I never said anything worse than stupid, or idiot. But I still see myself in that character because I was EXACTLY HER - without the cigarettes and cursing. Essentially I am like this person, alienated all throughout high school because I was smarter than anyone else.

I also had this huge crush on someone who liked someone else and I saw him last year - ten years after high school - and like Heather I realized WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? and of course was liberated from that old issue that never got any closure.

I love the film. Love the characters. I hope life was as simple as this.

THE PRAYERS THAT HE NEVER ANSWERS

2005-05-25T16:13:00.000+02:00

I just had a revelation today. It's not good, but it answered a question that I have asked God a long time ago. I often wondered why He never answered my prayers, why I was "ignored". But now, I know it was because he loves me...he really does love me.

I think I was about fourteen when I began praying to God to give me this guy. I had a very big, as in huge crush on this guy and I could swear back then he also considered me even though I was like five years younger than he was. I was head over heels for him till I was twenty - he got married then. I even cry whenever I prayed because for the life of me I couldn't understand why God would not give me my one request. He was perfect! Or so I thought. I think I must have begged God for him to the point that I even questioned His love for me. Why was I always ignored?

Today I learned something horrible about him. I won't put it down here, because it's not right. But what I can say is that I am now very, very thankful that God did not listen to my prayers. I am so happy to know that He protected me from what could have been a horrible life with this man. He was NOT perfect at all, in fact he was the exact opposite of Perfect. We just couldn't see it before because he was very good at hiding it.

I used to envy the woman he married. I used to think that she has the world at her feet because she has him. I used to think she was very, very lucky. Now after what has happened to them, I feel sorry for her. I am sorry that she has him. I am sorry that she has no way out. I am sorry that their children are going to suffer because of this.

Looking back at my life I realize that I was never ignored. In fact, if any, God was looking out for me. I think He has been telling me that the answer is NO because I wouldn't be happy if He had said yes. I think He has been telling me while I cry that life with him - with this guy - would be filled with tears if I got involved with him. I think I hurt Him when I though He was ignoring me. He wasn't ignoring me...he was listening all the time...and he answered me many times...I was the one who did not listen...I was the one who ignored Him.

WRITING FOR THE HECK OF IT

2005-05-18T16:06:00.000+02:00

I just got an email from someone who read a fanfiction I wrote and here's what she said:

I just finished reading your fic, and it is honestly one of the more brilliant
pieces of writing I've ever had the pleasure of coming across. You touch on
so many dark themes, but always weave that thread of hope in, that true love will
conquer the darkest costs. No one comes out of this unscathed, and that
really is the harsh reality of war.

Again, this was just an amazing piece of fiction. I found myself
yearning to read more chapters everytime I couldn't be by my computer.
Among being exciting and well written, this fic also touched my heart-
not something I say about a lot of writing or writers.

I don't know about you guys but this email just MADE MY DAY.

EMOTIONALLY DRAINED...AND LOVING IT

2005-05-02T15:21:00.000+02:00

There, I've done it! I've finished my fanfic and it's out there, published somewhere for open-minded liberalists to read. Not for the soft-hearted, it's kinda dark really, very violent, very different (even for me) and very adult! Nope, it's not smut! Don't have to write smut to make a fanfic interesting. But then again, it's supposed to be a love story so...the sex part can't be avoided.

Have also finished the book version of ABOUT A BOY. Yeah you can say that again, why the bloody hell did I have to read the book after seeing the film? Well, the book version is always better. It's the case with Lord of the Rings, the same with Harry Potter, the same with Dungeons and Dragons (hated the film version), the same with ABOUT A BOY - though Toni Colette's performance was priceless! Loved the book, will buy more from the Author on sale! I have bought another book from the sale-shelves and it was quite a find. It was entitled AN AMERICAN ROMANTIC. Many passages struck heartstrings in me and I find it refreshing everytime I want to feel romantic while writing my story. It's hard to imagine the thoughts coming from a man who sports a mustache - hate mustache's - modern ones mind you. Hate them, men who wear them remind me only of two characters: 1.) Santa Clause 2.) A criminal. Since I do not find Santa very attractive, and though I usually have this "thing" for bad boys, a criminal is still a bit off (even for me) so you see I have this prejudice somewhat.

I'm excited about writing the next book of the fanfiction I just finished. It will be more ambitious, wider and scarrier! A reviewer told me I had a thing for the macabre! Might as well use it! I don't want to be typecasted as such, but if that's what will earn me my fanbase before I actually write an original story, then yes, WHY NOT!

My original fanfic has reached the 500 reader mark and surpassed it even. Now I'm aiming for the 1000 reader mark! Hopefully I'll get to it!

Lastly, I still have zero real-love-life. The wood just came back, and gave me a bronze box! I love it - I love many things about him. I wanted to give him one of my signature bear hugs, but decided against it because he might just pound me to a pulp.

Out of the Wood

2005-02-08T16:52:00.000+01:00

Reality check: You're not as HOT as you used to be so stop flirting!

Yeah, got that smacked across my face the other day and what's really bothering me is the grain of truth in it. It's something I've been running away from for 5 years now, and it caught up with me. Sure, it's not supposed to bring me down, I'm too much of a fighter to think of that. But it's true...and THAT bothers me. What's more is that it is - or is going to - hurt someone I care about. He is my friend. First and foremost. And our friendship has endured several skills sets already and I am about to destroy it because I have issues with my own self-esteem. I cannot let him suffer because I can't accept the fact that I am a HAS BEEN.

I have decided to quit while I'm ahead. I enjoy him - that should be enough. I do care what other people say because I am not a selfish person. I care very much for my friends especially someone as special as him. I've never met - and this is for real, no kidding - a guy who does not think of sex 24/7. And I can tell, that he doesn't. He never took ANY advantage of me, even when he can, even when he should. I don't know if it's because he's naive, or because to him I'm a guy and he doesn't really feel like doing anything to me...well whatever it is, I feel special because of it. Because most of the time, guys - as a general rule - would want to touch or hold, or do something to a girl/woman that makes them uncomfortable or regretful that they were even acquianted. Even when they are not interested in the girl/woman. It's a "thang" with them. Like points in a contest or something. With him I feel so safe and I cherish that about our friendship. It's special. So I am not going to allow myself to destroy it.

Which brings me to the next issue I have...What do I do now? I have been so used to caring for him that now I have to unlearn this thing...it's easier said than done. I don't love him. That is an entirely different thing, I too experienced to fool myself that what I feel for him is love. But I am fond of him and the thought of "us". Now somehow, I need to unlearn it. To make the "others" forget it ever was. How do I begin to do that?

Maybe if I change the way I talk about him, or the way I am around him. Would that help? Go figure!

I wonder what would have happened if we met before my entire life went upside down? Would we still be friends? Apparently not. I was a different person back then. I was very, very proud...almost on the verge of conceit. I still have lingering fragments of that old me, but somehow life's little challenges have made me bow down like the stalks of rice or wheat when ripe with grains, it bows down, so have I. I am no longer the same arrogant person I was before - which I like a lot better. There is only one thing I hold with pride and that is my music. I have sacrificed too much to get it to where it is now that I feel I am entitled to this degree of pride about it. But other than that...my entire persona has been submerged. Even my music sometimes goes down...it takes third place in my life now.

Some things are not meant to be I think...and this thing with The Wood, is one of those things.

About a Boy again

2005-02-03T01:42:00.000+01:00

I know I'm obsessed. Ok, so I saw the film again for like the 3rd time this week. I'm not a Hugh Grant Fan, and believe me I don't find him attractive. This is not the kind of film that I watch because the actor is cute. No, rather I find the film really entertaining.

I'm a nut for good comedies - the slapstick ones are ok, but situational comedies with good punch lines are for me the best. In this case however, I realize how much "western" I have become. A friend of mine who is just as obsessed with the west as anyone from "3rd world mars", doesn't seem to share my addiction to this film, saying that it's not funny at all. But I find it hilarious to the point that I can hear the lines over and over again and still find it funny.

Plus I laugh at lines she found flat, obsurd, or even senseless. Well, I must say I felt proud for myself but then again realized this is not so good, since , oh bloody hell, I'm not a brit.

This might alienate me from possible friends. Hmmm....

Ok, one note I'd like to point out also is that watching this film I realize one very important point - which was actually mentioned in the film at the last bit.

"Couple's are not the way to go...you need more....you need back up."

I agree. Two people aren't enough - "you need three at least..." Marcus was wise beyond his years. My daughter and I are only two. I don't want a man to make three. Plus Marcus had "backup" and this meant more than one person. A group. So let me see, do I have backup?

Let's count my islands:

- mum, dad, Jonah, Jude, Jerome, Jennifer, Johannen, Jeremy, and Janeil - that's my immediate family. They would be enough back up except that they have a tendecy to go out on their own as well. I need a second layer of Islands:

- there's Sarah, Susan, Rachel, Ann, Geraldine, Robert, Eddy, Irene, Jeffrey, Clark, Cholo, Jared, and Julie. Close enough. They have their own lives as well, and may not be enough. I need one more....

- Ally, Ed, Grace, Jorel, Joel, Kareem, and Peaches...

Ok, let's see, do I have a special island among those group of islands? No. Unfortunately. All of them see me the way most see me...except of course for Janeil who will always see me as THE ISLAND!

Difficult choices

2005-01-31T14:51:00.000+01:00

My life is about to change dramatically soon. I wonder if I would be able to cope. I am planning things that would literally turn my entire life upside down - and in a bad way. I think this is what they call a "turning point". It's turning me alright - by the head, and soon by the neck.

I am worried that this would affect my daughter's life incredibly. I want to be the best mother for her, provide her with everything she needs, and I know that that does not mean material things only- she needs me. Primarily. I need her too. We need each other. Unfortunately, we also need money. And to get that money that we both need, one of us must leave and sacrifice both our lives to get that money for both of us.

How pathetic my life is. There's no better word to describe it. I am not complaining that much - just a little. My life can be better. I wonder if doing this plan of mine will be the answer to it, or if it will bring even more problems.

I remember that night I made a pact with God, that if I was given this one chance with happiness, I would do everything to make it work. Does this count for that? Or am I being selfish again?

I hate it. I hate the way things are going. It's not what I want.

I want something else.

About a Boy

2005-01-28T15:47:00.000+01:00

I saw this film earlier today and had a frightening thought. There was a character there that was reminding me of an utterly similar future. The character Rachel was someone I don't want to become, but may eventually evolve into. Someone who is smart and attractive and loving. Who is also a single mum, and guess what she had a 12 -year old son. Would I wait that long to get a date again, or to even find someone interesting? I shiver at the thought.

I don't think I need a man really, I am happy with my life, but eventually it will come down to that. I can't be alone forever and being a restless person I know I'm bound to get bored with my life and would want to have something new to tackle. Unfortunately for women my age the next big step, the next big change is having a life with -- ugh -- a man. I really don't think there is anyone suitable. I mean if you consider how many marriages are falling apart everyday and most are nearly perfect unions too - like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston - they have no right to be unhappy - no third party (according to them), they have lots of money, they are beautiful, they are famous, they have many things most couples don't, but they didn't make it, how dare they? So why did they not make it? Beats me.

Now take me, someone simple, someone striving to make it out alive in this bloody place called earth unscathe, and take another person, someone just as simple, also striving to make it out alive, would we survive at all? Plus not to mention I have excess baggage. And I'm not talking about the flab around my waiste and thighs, I'm talking about my daughter, who is my main concern. She doesn't need a man for me. We are fine. Really. So why would I require someone who might eventually bring about my own downfall, ruin my daughter's life and bring about an early suicide? Why?

Because I'm Lonely. That's why. And it's not sadness or self-pity, it's that one thing you are sure you don't need, but deep inside you miss. And you feel terrible. Because after you've convinced everyone around you that you're fine and start feeling rather proud of yourself, nearly convincing yourself you're alright, you lie in bed and look up and feel...empty.

Watching that film made me realise that many women, and even men, around the world are experiencing this loneliness. And it's not odd. It's because many have become selfish. Always thinking of themselves. Love is no longer an act it's an excuse - to have sex. Many say the line, I LOVE YOU, not knowning what it really means, not even feeling it, it's just because they want to get in bed and get a bloody orgasm. And when that is over, then what? What happens the morning after? The so-called LOVE is gone. All that is left is a deep hole inside your head, filled with questions. Then you move on. Looking for love. The real love. But after so much of these so-called excuses to get orgasms when do you stop and feel it for real? When does it really become love?

Then there was the neurotic mother - also single with a kid, Marcus. She gets so depressed she ends up committing suicide. And she has done this so often that her son already knows the signs and ends up taking care of her instead of the other way around. I don't want to be like that either. But she looks strong, and so in-control of her own life you'd think she has it figured out. But there it is, like me, like many of us, she's also clueless.

But the movie had a nice ending. I love movies with happy endings. This one was definitely a keeper. I am buying myself an original cd.

The Wood, The Eye, and The Dream

2005-01-26T02:09:00.000+01:00

Ok, so let's see, I have a few opportunities here for a possible relationship.

First, there's the Wood. Who's the Wood? Well, let's just say he's someone I find adorable, I like him because to me he fits my description of someone who looks good - physically. I am attracted to him firstly based on looks. But we have grown too fond of each other somehow and the attraction faded. I now find him rather charming but I no longer have the "hots" for him. He amuses me and I find it thrilling to a point, but he's too wooden for me to ever have any relationship other than what we have right now, which is not even my idea of friendship. We just know each other, we jive somehow, I would choose his company over others that are well, not so close. But I wouldn't expect us to go further.

However nothing in this world is constant except for change, so I am still counting on that.

There is another though, that recently caught my fancy. The Eye. You ask, why the Eye? Well, here's how I describe our sort-of relationship. We are not close. As in I know his name, he knows mine, and we work together. That's about it. But whenever our eyes meet, something happens. I have never felt anyone bore into my consciousness the way he does. Well, perhaps that's an overstatement, let's say, hmmm, for the past 5 years at least, no one has this effect on me. He looks at me and I feel a connection - mostly physical. Passionate. It's not the "I think he's cute" kind of connection, no. It's the "I think he's hot in bed" kind of connection. And I know this sounds crazy because I can't read minds, but I think he has the same thing running through his head as well - or maybe a little lighter.

I believe it's the hormones dictating he's a potential mate. But our connection ends there. I get too freaked out to even bother expounding on it. So no hope of growth.

Lastly, there's the Dream. This guy is someone I've never met, he's never met me, I only see sometimes, and dream of most of the time. In my dreams he has just proposed marriage, and being the dreamer that I am, this situation seems to suit me quite nicely. I don't have to worry about my mother's opinion of him - which no doubt will be incredibly bad - nor do I have to put up with anyone else opinion. It's just him and me - in my head. Perfect!

Now the problem with the Dream, is it's hard to keep on dreaming when your dead tired, tendency is your mind goes blank after about 15 minutes. And you either end up with nothing (which is bad) or if you struggle hard a nightmare (which is worse).

I really should go out more often.

Addicted to you

2005-01-24T17:09:00.000+01:00

"Not all those who wander are lost..."

How true. I have been wandering this sad planet for a long time, I'm not lost only clueless. Because I haven't found him yet: The one true love I crave for is still out there, waiting to be found, or reclaimed, or conquered. Or stolen...*cringe*. I always dreamed about meeting this one great guy in a very fairy-tale-like setting where we both encounter danger, perhaps life-threatening even only to find ourselves in love somehow, I've planned it out so neatly in my mind that at times I already believe it has happened. But it never happened to my first boyfriend, nor to my second, until my nth - which was online. Nope. No sirreee. I am still alone, still a mad spinster, though I have a kid courtesy of boyfriend number 24, I still have no one in my life right now that make me feel complete.

I often wonder if I would even meet one. Is there really someone out there for me, specifically? Someone who is just as mad, just as exciting, just as surreal. Perhaps not just. Perhaps a little to the left of things. Nevertheless, he will be it. The one that will make my heart leap everytime I hear his name. Oh I know I am such a hopeless and hapless romantic. I never give up too. I plan to meet him someday in the best possible way - full of action, and suspense, and drama!

Like the many movies that have inundated my adult life - which means 18 - present - I want a story worthy of a best-selling- 500 or so pages of a novel. Perhaps something for Ms. Rowling to write anew? Make millions of pounds more, as if she hasn't got enough already to last her four lifetimes. Yes, something worthy of sighs at night, from the many plotlines that have us gagging ourselves crazy asking for more. If only, I can write my love life according to how I see it in my head. It will be exciting indeed.

I even dream about it at night - Meeting this one person, helping him see the difference between me and the other girls around him. Helping him see that between me and the world, I was the only choice. And he'd take it. He'd love it. He'd love me. But of course in my head, I was perfect.

So here I am again, wishing myself blind, asking the heavens to bestow upon me the gift of love. Are they really that kind?